I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
