Swine flu. Run for my life!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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