did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
