Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish i was in the wii world.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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