His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
