when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
