It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
