I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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