I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
