Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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