i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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