I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
