I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
