Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
