i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
