god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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