I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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