There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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