he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
