batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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