OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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