im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Let's paint friendship bongs
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Still dying that you shit outside
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
