I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
