I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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