Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i think my cat just said my name.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
