Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
