Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You are the jesus of drinking
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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