At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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