If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
