She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
