Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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