My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
