he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
