i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
