Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize