wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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