Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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