I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
