It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This is my gift to your gina
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
