You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
