someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't deserve a penis
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
