How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
where am i from again
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
