the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
