You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
