I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
