Just fell off a train. Bad.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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