I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize