yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
