I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
