pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i've created a new STD.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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