as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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