And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
