Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize