that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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