I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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