According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
