we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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