Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
