nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
