put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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