It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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