Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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