Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
