Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
