if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
