Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
