hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
