I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize