jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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