first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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