question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
